The new balloon theme may seem a little childish, but it has significance. This post is going to be a raw version of my emotions tied to a now past relationship; something I don’t usually get the courage to share. For the past four years, it has been absolutely no secret I have invested a large portion of my energy into a relationship. Sometimes that energy was spent trying to win him back, sometimes it was trying to get over him, sometimes it was trying to make us work and other times it was effortless. Whether together or not, for four years, my life has been consumed by thoughts of him. I have constantly struggled with the thought of not ending up with him at the end of it all. You know, like that first love you have, that you never really can get over. I have fought with my mind for four years. Yes, he’s the one.. No he’s not. As a strong believer in Faith, I prayed about it over and over. I ignored God’s answer time and time again, trying to keep my foot in the door to leave our relationship propped opened even if God wanted it closed. My stubbornness is solely to blame for my misery. Yet, God knew that until this past weekend, I wouldn’t let it go.
You can only fight for something and someone for so long. Your heart can only ignore the pain for so long. Hope has an expiration date. This weekend my hope expired. I made him tell me the words I knew all along. I am sure it can be inferred what I needed to hear. And since then clarity replaced my wonder.
I could sit here and tell you that I regret the relationship, he is a bad person, I hate him, etc…(all things I’ve proclaimed before), but I don’t. Our relationship has gotten me to where I am today. Why would I ever regret that? This four years of back and forth was apart of the path that leads me to where I am meant to be.
I guess that is how you kind of know you are finally letting it go. When you do not find yourself with ill feelings…. He will always have a part of my heart, always. But it is kind of like releasing a balloon into the sky. A small part of you wants to keep it. For some odd reason, you are hesitant to release it . You debate about keeping it as a memorandum of your special occasion (birthday, wedding, baby shower, etc), but you know if you do, it is eventually going to deflate and you will eventually have to throw it away. As you realize this, you get the sudden urge to let it go. You release to balloon into the sky. You stand there and watch it float away, becoming smaller, until you can’t seen it any longer. Every once in a while, if the event was important enough, you remember that balloon and letting it go…You wonder where it is at, where it ended up and if anyone ever found it.
That is easily a comparison to this past weekend. I released the balloon and now am watching him disappear into the distance. I won’t always see him and I know every once in a while, that moment will cross my mind. I will wonder where he is at, where he ended up and if anyone ever found him.
And so, now you know the reasoning behind my new theme and probably more information about my past relationship than you care to know.